Random Funny Message
Below is the script. You can place it anywhere below the <body> tag in your HTML document. A demonstration of this script is right below this line. You can change any of the messages to whatever you want.
****If You Can't Get the script to work, drop me a line at [email protected] and I'll see what I can do.****
<script language="JavaScript">
//This Script was written by Ben Reese
var1="It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.";
var2="If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you, because, hey, free dummy.";
var3="It's sad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.";
var4="Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because-where does he think he's going?!";
var5="If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!";
var6="Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just be called 'impressions,' and if you got a different 'impression,' so what, can't we all be brothers?";
var7="If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.";
var8="To me boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the other dancers hit each other.";
var9="Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant. The most dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just trampling and eating everything they see.";
var10="Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows, But without that noise.";
var11="Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.";
var12="Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.";
var13="Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.";
var14="If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.";
var15="Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.";
var16="The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.";
var17="If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.";
var18="I wish a robot would be elected President. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.";
var19="I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away.";
var20="If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.";
var21="If your a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls of, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.";
var22="In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.";
var23="Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!";
var24="If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we BUILD to that.";
var25="To me clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.";
var26="Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.";
var27="I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.";
var28="I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it Science?";
var29="When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.";
var30="If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.";
var31="Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.";
var32="You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.";
var33="For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.";
var34="I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol";
var35="I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.";
var36="Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.";
var37="Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.";
var38="I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.";
var39="I intend to live forever - so far, so good ";
var40="I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy ";
var41="All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. ";
var42="I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.";
var43="In the realm of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.";
var44="When men talk sex to women, its sexual harassment but when women talk sex to men it's $3.95 per minute.";
var45="Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.";
var46="Three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.";
var47="Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.";
var48="..Every morning is the dawn of a new error...";
var49="The beatings will continue until morale improves.";
var50="Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.";
var51="Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.";
var52="A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.";
var53="If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!";
var54="If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.";
var55="Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.";
var56="I'm only paranoid because everyone's trying to get me!";
var57="Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.";
var58="Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.";
var59="Budget: A method for going broke methodically.";
var60="Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.";
var61="Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!";
var62="What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.";
var63="Buy a Pentium III so you can reboot faster.";
var64="Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.";
var65="My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.";
var66="The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.";
var67="BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.";
var68="Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT command or filename!'";
var69="Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.";
var70="Windows: Just another pane in the glass.";
var71="Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?";
var72="'640K ought to be enough for anybody.' - Bill Gates, 1981.";
var73="Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?";
var74="If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.";
var75="Why are APARTments so close together?";
var76="If you don't know where you are going, you'll probably end up someplace else."
now=new Date() ;
num=(now.getSeconds() )%76
num=num+1
quot="'"
document.write("<P align='center'><FONT SIZE='4' COLOR='#000000'>" + eval("var"+num) + "</FONT>")
// -->
</script>